# Old Sayings



## Wow (May 17, 2010)

My folks and grandfolks had some great old sayings and mannerisms...........don't hear 'em or see 'em today.
But they still have that seed of wisdom.
Every now and then, I'm reminded of one or another.

When us kids were extra fidgety, my old man would always say,*"you're like a fart on a hot skillet" *I can't get that image out of my head.

Do you remember any good ones from the past?--Tim


----------



## fastwater (Apr 1, 2014)

"Gonna be on you like a duck on a junebug."
"More goofy then a pet ****."
"That boys mind is like a fart in a hail storm."
"Gotta pee so bad my eyeballs are flooding."
"Legs so skinny looks like he's standin on a chicken."


----------



## ress (Jan 1, 2008)

Come Hell or High Water......Whaaatt?


----------



## Lazy 8 (May 21, 2010)

Dad to me sometimes and I never understood it -
Son, you're like a turd that won't flush.(IDK)
or
Son, don't get the cart before the horse.
or from Mom (God rest their souls)(don't get ahead of yourself)
He was so mad he coulda cht up one side of his leg and down the other. (mad)
or
She wouldn't say cht if her mouth was full of it. (mealy mouthed)
or
Cht or get off the pot. (hurry up)

ps, not sure if you've noticed, but all these have a common thread.


----------



## Whaler (Nov 16, 2004)

Rain in the hills means rain for the mills.


----------



## Whaler (Nov 16, 2004)

I wrote that one wrong. It should say Fog in the hills means rain for the mills.


----------



## c. j. stone (Sep 24, 2006)

In reference to someone who's portly(nah, just too fat!)
"He/She got too much 'junk' in the trunk!"

Dad used to say(usually abt his "bosses")-
"He's dumber in the head than a dog in it's azz".


----------



## G.lock (Apr 1, 2014)

Don't hang too much on one nail!


----------



## crappiedude (Mar 12, 2006)

When ever I had an employee who was going to quit because some one was promising him the moon. I would always remind them "the grass is always greener but it's usually harder to mow"


----------



## snagless-1 (Oct 26, 2014)

"That boys like a tattoo, he gets under your skin","That boy is as sharp as a bowling ball","Hey look the hope sister,little and no",When the going gets tough the tough get going","That boy can bend a pry bar in a sand box","His family tree has no branches","His elevator does't go to the top floor"'I'ts so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pocket".............


----------



## Muddy (May 7, 2017)

My grand parents lived on a little subsistence farm. They always said “We were always poor, the depression didn’t change anything for us. We just kept on doing the same things we always did”.


----------



## Saugeye Tom (Oct 6, 2010)

Boy...your gonna poke your eye out


----------



## Saugeye Tom (Oct 6, 2010)

Boy you're gonna grow hair in the palms of your hands


----------



## floater99 (May 21, 2010)

Dummer than a bag of hammers
Raining harder than a two unted cow
Couldn't hit his azz with either arm
That went over like a pregnant nunn in church
Hotter n a two pckrd billy goat
Don't know his azz from a hole in the ground
No wonder I was always in trouble in school
Got a azz like a 40 dlr milk cow


----------



## ducman491 (Oct 31, 2011)

Can’t swing a dead cat around here without hitting...


----------



## All Eyes (Jul 28, 2004)

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.


----------



## M R DUCKS (Feb 20, 2010)

i'm so hungry my stomach thinks my throats been cut!
It's easier to run forwards than backwards.


----------



## M R DUCKS (Feb 20, 2010)

You're as funny as a fart in a space suit.


----------



## fishcrazy20 (Aug 13, 2016)

Wait until your father gets home! havent see him since I was 8, *******.


----------



## ristorap (Mar 6, 2013)

I'm sweatin like a politician on election day.


----------



## ezbite (May 25, 2006)

youre so stupid, you couldn't pour pizz out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel..


----------



## ccc (Mar 14, 2005)

i have live my life by two sayings.... plan your work work your plan.... and a whisky glass or a womens azz will make a fool out of any man


----------



## All Eyes (Jul 28, 2004)

A wise old man once said...nothing.


----------



## buckeyebowman (Feb 24, 2012)

"If they're not early, they'll be late!" (When waiting on someone.)

"That guy (or girl) fell out of the top of the ugly tree, and hit every single branch on the way down!"

"That girl (or guy) is so fat if you tell her to haul azz, she's gotta make two trips!"

"Do you have ants in your pants?" or "Find some place and light!" (When we were fidgety or hyper.)

"God willing, and the creek don't rise!"

"Be careful around someone who thinks everybody is always lying to them. That just means they're liars themselves!" (My Grandpa. His homespun description of the psychological concept of "projection".)


----------



## Bluegillin' (Jan 28, 2009)

Over the lips, over the gums, look out stomach here it comes.
The more you toot, the better you feel, let's have beans for every meal
He/she is a little wet behind the ears (not much experience like a new born)
Please get whatever food from the "ice box" (refrigerator for your really young people)


----------



## Snakecharmer (Apr 9, 2008)

Will the rain spoil the Rhubarb? Not if its in a can.


----------



## All Eyes (Jul 28, 2004)

If you don't get along with any of your neighbors, moving won't help.


----------



## Snackmans Dad (May 2, 2007)

make something idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.


----------



## ezbite (May 25, 2006)

there is nothing more expensive than regret


----------



## jdl447 (May 16, 2018)

She’s about an ax handle across the azz.


----------



## Bono Joe (Mar 2, 2009)

ristorap said:


> I'm sweatin like a politician on election day.


THAT WAS A GULLY WASHER(HEAVY RAIN)

youth is a wonderfull thing.
it is a shame they waste it on kids


----------



## JamesF (May 20, 2016)

That Boy's about as smart as my dog... And I don't have a dog.
And as my cousin would say," I used to be retarded, but my Doctor said, I am ok now ".


----------



## leeabu (Apr 10, 2004)

Ain't had so much fun since the hogs ate my little brother!

What ever blows your dress up!


----------



## cane pole (Nov 27, 2011)

ezbite said:


> youre so stupid, you couldn't pour pizz out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel..


I laughed so hard. I remember someone in our family saying the first part of that saying, but never heard where the instructions were written. Thanks for pointing


----------



## cane pole (Nov 27, 2011)

While visiting my grandparents in scioto county after a rain I can still here my grandma say after looking at the hills after a rain “ looks like the ground hogs are making coffee"


----------



## bountyhunter (Apr 28, 2004)

and its raining cats an dogs.[I,ll take the labs]


----------



## $diesel$ (Aug 3, 2018)

You can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make him fish.

That boy got hit on his head so many times,
he has to wear an egg carton for a hat.

That boys head is harder 
than woodpecker lips.

That boy is so ugly, 
when he was born
the doctor slapped his momma.


----------



## Lazy 8 (May 21, 2010)

Muddy said:


> My grand parents lived on a little subsistence farm. They always said “We were always poor, the depression didn’t change anything for us. We just kept on doing the same things we always did”.


He's so poor he doesn't have 2 nickels to rub together, a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.


----------



## Lazy 8 (May 21, 2010)

All Eyes said:


> A wise old man once said...nothing.


It's better to remain quiet and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

As a young Timmy, my Grandad would always say to me, boy, I'm gonna jerk a knot in your tail. (Being mischievious) 
Or dry clean me.


----------



## Skippy (Dec 2, 2009)

Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.

If your going to be stupid you better be tough.


----------



## Lazy 8 (May 21, 2010)

Remember the movie with Steve Martin -- The Jerk?
That boy don't know the difference between chit and Shinola.
or
That monies' burning a whole in his pocket.
or
The corn's knee high to a grasshopper by the 4th of July.
or
If that boy had a brain, he'd take it out and play with it.
or
His head ain't screwed on tight.
or...one of my favs...
That boy don't have both oars in the water.


----------



## Timjim (May 15, 2011)

closed mouths gather no feet, if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass on the ground , wish in one hand and shi* in the other and see which fills up first


----------



## Specwar (Sep 22, 2014)

That girl is so ugly the tears run down the back of her head.
That boy is so ugly his mother used to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog would play with him.
That guy lies so much that the neighbor has to call his dog for him (?)
You’re ugly, your mother dresses you funny, your breath stinks, and I do believe you probably eat $hit.
You’re dumber than a hoe handle.


----------



## Gotworms (Jan 29, 2015)

Busy as a one legged man in an azz kicking contest.


----------



## Burkcarp1 (Dec 24, 2016)

Busier than a cat on a tin roof. Running like his tail was on fire an his ass was catching.. Couple French fries short of a happy meal. Ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed.


----------



## Alaskangiles (Aug 15, 2019)

What happened to you? Looks like you chased a fart through a keg of nails.

Shaking like a dog crapping peach pits.


----------



## CFIden (Oct 9, 2014)

Running around like a opossum in the headlights.

(My Dad) I should have put you in a hanky.


----------



## 21938 (Feb 17, 2010)

Whenever we thought we could put one over on our boss back in the early '70's, he was wise to us and would say " I may be green, but the cow hasn't eatin' me yet". We liked him a lot and he went easy on us because he was once in our position.


----------



## matticito (Jul 17, 2012)

"Please"


----------



## Alaskangiles (Aug 15, 2019)

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.


----------



## JamesF (May 20, 2016)

Go tell your mother she needs you. 
As my Aunt told my grumpy neighbor, " smile everyone will think you're up to something ",and we both know that's not true !


----------



## ezbite (May 25, 2006)

it ain't pressure unless you feel it..


----------



## Alaskangiles (Aug 15, 2019)

Walk it off...


----------



## missionfishin (Sep 21, 2011)

My cousin wiped out his bike in a patch of briars. Scratched all to hell. His Dad told him be looked like he took a job sortin bobcats in a phone booth.

Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk


----------



## Fish-N-Fool (Apr 12, 2004)

The horse that pulls the hardest gets whipped the most

From my signature and a life motto for me (and my dad growing up on the farm): nothing works till you do


----------



## Lazy 8 (May 21, 2010)

Alaskangiles said:


> Walk it off...


Rub some dirt on it ( could be a gashing wound)


----------



## Lazy 8 (May 21, 2010)

What's your saying for a very hard rain? 
It's a gulley washer.
Raining cats and dogs.


----------



## Alaskangiles (Aug 15, 2019)

Lazy 8 said:


> What's your saying for a very hard rain?
> It's a gulley washer.
> Raining cats and dogs.


I lost a dog once in a storm like this.


----------



## Snackmans Dad (May 2, 2007)

He who p"s in cash register finds -----it runs into money..


----------



## buckeyebowman (Feb 24, 2012)

"I wonder if that guy just became a jerk, or if he's worked it all his life!"

"In or out! In or out!"


----------



## ccc (Mar 14, 2005)

take care of your job and it will take care of you


----------



## 0utwest (Mar 21, 2017)

Son your azz is Grass and im the Lawnmower .


----------



## MagicMarker (Mar 19, 2017)

Don't marry for money. Marry for love. Find a rich woman and fall in love


----------



## M R DUCKS (Feb 20, 2010)

Were you born in a barn?

Busier than a one armed wall paper hanger.


----------



## JamesF (May 20, 2016)

Are farts supposed to be wet?


----------



## Wow (May 17, 2010)

They wouldn't be funny if they weren't so true. --Tim


----------



## Lazy 8 (May 21, 2010)

Specwar said:


> That girl is so ugly the tears run down the back of her head.
> That boy is so ugly his mother used to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dog would play with him.
> That guy lies so much that the neighbor has to call his dog for him (?)
> You’re ugly, your mother dresses you funny, your breath stinks, and I do believe you probably eat $hit.
> You’re dumber than a hoe handle.


I was so ugly when I was little that Mom would sit me in the corner and feed me with a slingshot. 
They wasted the ugly on me.


----------



## Lazy 8 (May 21, 2010)

JamesF said:


> Are farts supposed to be wet?


No, and dang sure not chunky.


----------



## Lazy 8 (May 21, 2010)

M R DUCKS said:


> Were you born in a barn?
> Dad would say, Tim, shut the door you're letting all my flies out.
> or
> Son, quit riding the clutch. You either engage it or get off it. There ain't no in-between.


----------



## $diesel$ (Aug 3, 2018)

I was so ugly when I was little that Mom would sit me in the corner and feed me with a slingshot.

hahahaha.....now thats funny, or should i say ugly?

Woman was so ugly, she had to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.

I'm so poor, i went to MacDonald's on monday, to put my french fries in lay away for friday.


----------



## BadgerYaker (Jul 27, 2019)

Time heals all wounds


----------



## CoonDawg92 (Jun 1, 2016)

Raining like a cow pi$$ing on a flat rock.

Boy you could argue with a fence post (my dad).

We were so poor our back would (sun) burn and our belly would blister.


----------



## 0utwest (Mar 21, 2017)

Your so poor you can Hardly Afford To Pay Attention .

Better to have lobsters on your piano then crabs on your organ !


----------



## CoonDawg92 (Jun 1, 2016)

Dumb as a box of rocks.

Or

Dumb as a brick.


----------



## Hatchetman (Apr 13, 2004)

" He's two bricks shy of a chimney",Or Your one sandwich short of a picnic.... Son, you can marry more money in five minutes than you can earn in a lifetime....


----------



## fastwater (Apr 1, 2014)

Speaking to the kids when they were little...
"Turn that TV off and get outside and blow the stink off."

Speaking of ugly sayings...
" No way you can wash all that ugly off! "

" Saving for a rainy day."

Some may have never heard this one but those that have been around farming/ outside jobs most likely have.
Pertaining to the weather...
" Gotta get it while the getting is good."

"Rise and shine Valentine."

" You'd rather take a dump in your momma's best fryin pan than to (fill in blank)."

"Legs so skinny somebody should be payin support."


----------



## flyphisherman (Jul 7, 2009)

It's like pickin' fly 'cht' from pepper......(being overly nit picky)


----------



## Lazy 8 (May 21, 2010)

That boy ain't got sense enough to come in outta the rain.


----------



## BadgerYaker (Jul 27, 2019)

It takes twice as long to build bridges you've burned


----------



## SConner (Mar 3, 2007)

1) son, you are about as worthless as teats on a bull.

2) there are two things you can’t fix.... broken light bulbs and stupid.


----------



## 9Left (Jun 23, 2012)

( me standing in front of the TV, blocking everyone's view)...

(People behind me would say..
" Hey! Yer mamma wasn't a glass maker!


----------



## CoonDawg92 (Jun 1, 2016)

SConner said:


> 1) son, you are about as worthless as teats on a bull.
> 
> This reminded me of my dad, except instead of a bull it was "teats on a boar hog"!


----------



## pitdweller (Sep 16, 2004)

slicker than a booger on a doorknob


----------



## MikeC (Jun 26, 2005)

You can't drink all day if you don't start early!


----------



## Saugeyefisher (Jul 19, 2010)

Dammit bobby

I'm gonna beat you like a red headed step child with freckles....


----------



## Alaskangiles (Aug 15, 2019)

You have a silver tongue.

It took me a long time to figure that one out, but I heard it from a lot of people. We didn’t have google back then.


----------



## fastwater (Apr 1, 2014)

"That boy would get in a fight in a phone booth."


----------



## Saugeyefisher (Jul 19, 2010)

Pigs as pork all but the hole


----------



## Saugeyefisher (Jul 19, 2010)

Hays for horses

You make a better door then window

Down in front

Yo boss


----------



## ristorap (Mar 6, 2013)

You cant get blood out of a turnip

They think there **** smells like roses

You're barn door is open the horse is going to get out


----------



## ress (Jan 1, 2008)

"And I don't mean maybe"! Then I'd get a biff up side the head, and you'd better not duck either.


----------



## Saugeyefisher (Jul 19, 2010)

"Go fetch me a switch"???? Anyone?


----------



## Redheads (Jun 9, 2008)

if you can't be good be careful

wrap that rascal


----------



## Hatchetman (Apr 13, 2004)

A good welder will tell you...There's two things I can't weld, a broken heart and the crack of yer a$$....


----------



## BruceT (Jun 14, 2013)

If brains were dynamite that kid couldn't blow his nose.

That went over like a fart in church.


----------



## ristorap (Mar 6, 2013)

scratch your a$$ and get glad

your about bright as a burned out light bulb

money doesn't grow on trees


----------



## Dovans (Nov 15, 2011)

Leave the Pig alone.


----------



## Saugeye Tom (Oct 6, 2010)

Fart in a scuba tank


----------



## BruceT (Jun 14, 2013)

Boy, I'll knock you nekkid and hide your clothes!


----------



## Dovans (Nov 15, 2011)

"There is a great place to go if you are broke, TO WORK!!”


----------



## undertaker (Jan 20, 2013)

That guy couldn't pour p!ss out of a boot
Gotta make hay when the sun shines


----------



## Wow (May 17, 2010)

Here's a new one I came up with recently. ..........."If could and should were sticks and wood, Oh! what a bonfire we'd have". (Copyright 2019)--Tim


----------



## Snakecharmer (Apr 9, 2008)

Don't get your knickers in a bunch.


----------



## Daego Doug (May 31, 2009)

chit fire and save matches


----------



## Timjim (May 15, 2011)

LOL, I forgot about that one. Papy used to say that all the time.


----------



## Pike (Apr 7, 2004)

Couple form my dad:

"Do you know what the difference between an A$$hole and an anus is....an anus can't say (fill in the blank)" - used when I said something to be a smart a$$.

"Lightning struck the outhouse." - used when something rare happens.

"You are smarter than you look....I guess you'd have to be." - used when I did something smart.


----------



## cement569 (Jan 21, 2016)

whenever I had bad luck my uncle would say....sometimes you get the bear, and sometimes the bear gets you


----------



## Burkcarp1 (Dec 24, 2016)

Speak ass,cause your mouth won’t.


----------



## Hatchetman (Apr 13, 2004)

You mess with me and blink, you'll die in the dark....


----------



## stormfront (Feb 18, 2016)

He's talking out of his a$$ cuz his mouth knows better.

Horse feathers!


----------



## Snakecharmer (Apr 9, 2008)

Till the cows come home.
As a crow flies.
He kIcked the bucket.


----------



## stormfront (Feb 18, 2016)

My dad would tell me to use my head for something more than a hat rack.

In a pigs ear.

What a bunch of malarkey.


----------



## ristorap (Mar 6, 2013)

good night sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite

good gravy


----------



## Snakecharmer (Apr 9, 2008)

_You can be a rooster one day and a feather duster the next_


----------



## Snakecharmer (Apr 9, 2008)

Knuckle head
Dummkopf
Dumbbell
Blockhead
Knuckle Sandwich


----------



## fastwater (Apr 1, 2014)

Sometimes you get the bear...sometimes the bear gets you.

Win some...loose some.

Looking at somebody and sayin "I've seen better heads on iodine bottles".


----------



## Smitty82 (Mar 13, 2011)

Naked as a Jaybird


----------



## Snakecharmer (Apr 9, 2008)

Put a tiger in your tank
Hi Yo Silver, away
I can't believe I ate the whole thing
Breakfast of Champions
Double your pleasure, double you fun
Takes a licking and keeps on ticking
Let your fingers do the walking
Cat on a hot tin roof
When it rains, it pours.
Better dead than Red


----------



## Wow (May 17, 2010)

Pike said:


> Couple form my dad:
> 
> "Do you know what the difference between an A$$hole and an anus is....an anus can't say (fill in the blank)" - used when I said something to be a smart a$$


Good one--Tim


----------



## floater99 (May 21, 2010)

He don't know his a$$ from a hole in the ground
He don't know $hit from shinola
Dumb as a fox


----------



## DJA (Jun 18, 2004)

"You talk like you have a paper A-hole"
No I don't know what it means?


----------



## ezbite (May 25, 2006)

that boys so dumb, it takes him 3 hours to watch 60 minutes


----------



## buckeyebowman (Feb 24, 2012)

"The way that boy can eat, I swear he has a hollow leg!" 

"I'm not paying to heat the back yard!" We didn't have A/C, but who did back then?

"He doesn't have the sense God gave a goose!" 

"That's just good, old fashioned horse sense."


----------



## ress (Jan 1, 2008)

*hit on a shingle


----------



## fastwater (Apr 1, 2014)

"That's the bees knees".

Thought about that one today while working out in the woods and got lit up by Yellowjackets. 
They had their fun today...I had mine this evening.


----------



## ezbite (May 25, 2006)

fastwater said:


> "That's the bees knees".


i actually heard bobk say that once.. tells you how old he is...


----------



## ezbite (May 25, 2006)

thats the cats ass..


----------



## capt.scott (Jun 27, 2007)

If you were born to be shot you will never be hung.


----------



## fireline (Jun 14, 2007)

That's harder than woodpecker lips


----------



## Snakecharmer (Apr 9, 2008)

ristorap said:


> You're barn door is open the horse is going to get out


I used to have that problem a lot. Not sure when I heard it the last time for little kids.


----------



## Snakecharmer (Apr 9, 2008)

Ducks on the pond.........( runners in scoring position in baseball)
Can of corn ( pop up)
Texas Leaguer
Bags are juiced
Whitewash ( shutout)
Foot in the bucket
In a pickle


----------



## Hammerhead54 (Jun 16, 2012)

Slicker than greased cat sh**t


----------



## Snackmans Dad (May 2, 2007)

A saying mechanics use " He could F up a junkyard with a rubber mallet"


----------



## Saugeye Tom (Oct 6, 2010)

dont let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya


----------



## Saugeye Tom (Oct 6, 2010)

you was chit on a log and hatched by the sun


----------



## Saugeye Tom (Oct 6, 2010)

fastwater said:


> "That's the bees knees".
> 
> Thought about that one today while working out in the woods and got lit up by Yellowjackets.
> They had their fun today...I had mine this evening.


why aint you at church


----------



## CoonDawg92 (Jun 1, 2016)

If “ifs” and “buts” were candy and nuts, we’d all have a Merry Christmas!


----------



## fastwater (Apr 1, 2014)

Saugeye Tom said:


> why aint you at church


Should be for sure!!!
But feelin kinda rough and slept in this morning.
Think 'the hill' kinda got the best of me yesterday.
Just called ya a few minutes ago...

Don't know if this ones been said already...
"Bird in the hand is better than two in the bush"


----------



## Saugeyefisher (Jul 19, 2010)

If ifs where fiths wed all be drunk.....

Money up a ducks .....

My older in laws use "good greif" quite a bit....


----------



## Saugeyefisher (Jul 19, 2010)

See ya later aligaitor after while crocodile not to soon baboon? Repeat? 

Are you ready freddy?


----------



## Snakecharmer (Apr 9, 2008)

Sock it to me
Here comes the judge
Look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls


Where's the beef?


----------



## Burkcarp1 (Dec 24, 2016)

Why doesn’t a duck have lips?


----------



## ress (Jan 1, 2008)

Yo Momma drinks muddy canal water.


----------



## Burkcarp1 (Dec 24, 2016)

Last I seen him he was headed north with toilet paper in his hand


----------



## ristorap (Mar 6, 2013)

close your legs your breath stinks

shoe fits wear it


----------



## buckeyebowman (Feb 24, 2012)

"Get a move on!" 

"Give him a high colonic and send him on a 5 mile hike!" 

"How about you head South until your hat floats?!" When on the North shore of a lake. 

"His heads all eat up with the dumb ass!"


----------



## Hatchetman (Apr 13, 2004)

May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your crotch....


----------



## mtstringer (Jan 7, 2005)

I wouldn’t slam the cht house door that hard.

Drier than a popcorn fart.

Hornier than an eight pXckered goat.

Cooler than the other side of the pillow.

Sucks canal water.


----------



## Lazy 8 (May 21, 2010)

Saugeyefisher said:


> "Go fetch me a switch"???? Anyone?


Yes, but dDad would hand me his pocket knife to cut one with. Then you have to ask yourself 2 things...
Do I want a fatter one that won't cut the wind as fast but leave bigger welts or...
Do I want a skinnier one that'll cut thru the air faster but leave smaller welts?

While I'm out there trying to decide which switch to get, Dad would yell out...ch*t or get off the pot boy.


----------



## Shortdrift (Apr 5, 2004)

That's slicker than whale sh+t.


----------



## Saugeyefisher (Jul 19, 2010)

Lazy 8 said:


> Yes, but dDad would hand me his pocket knife to cut one with. Then you have to ask yourself 2 things...
> Do I want a fatter one that won't cut the wind as fast but leave bigger welts or...
> Do I want a skinnier one that'll cut thru the air faster but leave smaller welts?
> 
> While I'm out there trying to decide which switch to get, Dad would tell out...ch*t or get off the pot boy.


Lol happy I grew up in the times I grew up in. Worste I ever got was a ass whipping. Once I got so old they new to just ground me to my room. I hated that the most.....

Haha an my uncles used the poo or get off the pot a time or two around me


----------



## ccc (Mar 14, 2005)

burnin daylight


----------



## Daveo76 (Apr 14, 2004)

You're tighter than the bark on a tree


----------



## Lazy 8 (May 21, 2010)

Shortdrift said:


> That's slicker than whale sh+t.


OWL SH+T...The slickest substance known to mankind. NASA uses it on all outer space vehicles. Even on the Inner Space one's too.
Just ask ol @fastwater he'll tell ya by crackie.


----------



## surffishn (Jan 20, 2010)

"if". If my aunt had balls she would be my uncle.


----------



## mtstringer (Jan 7, 2005)

The girl had class; she wouldn't go out with just any swinging d1ck.


----------



## Daveo76 (Apr 14, 2004)

GI beans, GI gravy,, Gee I Wish I'd joined the Navy
If it ain't broke, don't fix it


----------



## I Fish (Sep 24, 2008)

I wasted quite a bit of time reading this thread. 

I got so mad, I could've chewed up horse shoes and spit them out as nails!


----------



## MagicMarker (Mar 19, 2017)

Fix it till it's broke


----------



## Daveo76 (Apr 14, 2004)

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.


----------



## Lundfun (Oct 26, 2013)

I'm busier than a cat covering up **** in a sandbox!

I wouldn't f**k her with your di*k.

I don't know if the meats hung on me or I'm hung on the meat!


----------



## Redheads (Jun 9, 2008)

fastwater said:


> Looking at somebody and sayin "I've seen better heads on iodine bottles".


 or
I've seen better heads fall out of zippers


----------



## Lewis (Apr 5, 2004)

She fell out of an ugly tree and hit every limb on the way down.....


----------



## Lewis (Apr 5, 2004)

That kid could tear up an anvil!


----------



## Eyes on te ice (Dec 7, 2018)

That boy is as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
IF< If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass when he hopped!
Beauty is only a light switch away.
If she doesn't meet your standards, Lower your standards.
Don't let it hit ya where the good lord split ya!


----------



## Saugeyefisher (Jul 19, 2010)

Where you born in a barn boy?

Or simply..... hey boy....... haha couldnt wait to have a son to use that one


----------



## Saugeyefisher (Jul 19, 2010)

Life is like a box of chocolates......

Stupit is as..........

I know I know movie quotes,but I use the 2nd quite a bit...... and ive gotsta paeeee,use that one alot. My kids are like uhhhh,ok,go........


----------



## fastwater (Apr 1, 2014)

"Don't let the bedbugs bite"

Used to be an old sayin...but has come back with a vengeance.


----------



## Snakecharmer (Apr 9, 2008)

From the Uncle Timbo Derailer thread....

Rolling in the Hay.


----------



## Primerchevy (Mar 10, 2019)

Built like a brick sh!t house


----------



## Daveo76 (Apr 14, 2004)

You were so ugly when you were born, the doctor slapped yer mommy


----------



## bobk (Apr 30, 2004)

Daveo76 said:


> You were so ugly when you were born, the doctor slapped yer mommy


Who you taking about Willis?


----------



## justbobber (Oct 13, 2008)

If......If a buzzard had a bugle up his azz there would be music in the air


----------



## fastwater (Apr 1, 2014)

"An eagle don't soar so high that he doesn't have to land"


----------



## Wow (May 17, 2010)

Burkcarp1 said:


> Last I seen him he was headed north with toilet paper in his hand


I don't know where that came from, but it's funny as hell. --Tim


----------



## Wow (May 17, 2010)

MagicMarker said:


> Fix it till it's broke


That's definitely the story of my life. --Tim


----------



## Daveo76 (Apr 14, 2004)

Failure is not an option.


----------



## Daveo76 (Apr 14, 2004)

Come hell or high water,,


----------



## ccc (Mar 14, 2005)

its a great life if you don't weaken


----------



## All Thumbs (Apr 11, 2004)

there are plenty of ways to skin a cat but only two good ways to cook them
(deep fried and grilled)


----------



## Saugeyefisher (Jul 19, 2010)

All Thumbs said:


> there are plenty of ways to skin a cat but only two good ways to cook them
> (deep fried and grilled)


Wrong thread man


----------



## biererboat (Feb 19, 2018)

Gotta pee so bad my eye teeth are singing anchors away.
I'm gonna kick your azz so far up around your ears you'll need to pull your zipper down to eat supper.


----------



## Daveo76 (Apr 14, 2004)

I'm gonna skin you alive!


----------



## ristorap (Mar 6, 2013)

got to piss like a race horse
you're a$$ is grass and I am the lawn mower


----------



## Hatchetman (Apr 13, 2004)

You look like the north end of a southbound cow....


----------



## ress (Jan 1, 2008)

You got the gold mine and I got the shaft!


----------



## Lewis (Apr 5, 2004)

That guy is about as sharp as a bowling ball.


----------



## CaneCorsoDad (Jun 11, 2017)

hes so stupid he couldn't pour piss out of a boot if you wrote the directions on the bottom of the heel


----------



## Daveo76 (Apr 14, 2004)

If you had a brain, you'd be dangerous,,,,


----------



## PromiseKeeper (Apr 14, 2004)

If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose!


----------



## Lewis (Apr 5, 2004)

Sumbitch is tougher than 2 yeller toenails.....


----------



## ristorap (Mar 6, 2013)

They wouldn't know there a$$ from a hole in the ground
They don't know $hit from apple butter


----------



## I Fish (Sep 24, 2008)

Here's 2 that will probably never make sense again:
Drop a dime on someone.
or
Here's a quarter, call someone who cares.


----------



## hatteras1 (Jan 18, 2011)

Don't know if this is an oldie or not. Told a guy one time that he was a "hemorrhoid looking for an A**H***!"


----------



## Hatchetman (Apr 13, 2004)

"Wish in one hand and $hit in the other and see which one fills up first"


----------



## basser53 (May 14, 2005)

Busier than a one armed paperhanger


----------



## basser53 (May 14, 2005)

He"s as Nervous as a whore in church


----------



## Burkcarp1 (Dec 24, 2016)

That’s the way the pickle squirts.


----------



## Hatchetman (Apr 13, 2004)

So scared he didn't know whether to shi$$ or go blind or close one eye and fart....


----------



## Daego Doug (May 31, 2009)

SNAFU situation normal all f-- up


----------



## ristorap (Mar 6, 2013)

one foot on a banana peal the other one in the grave


----------



## Daveo76 (Apr 14, 2004)

Slicker than snot on a door knob!!


----------



## ristorap (Mar 6, 2013)

slower then snot on bread


----------



## twistedcatfish1971 (Jul 21, 2013)

...get the heck out of here...(still messing around)...GO PLAY IN THE STREET!


----------



## chadwimc (Jun 27, 2007)

"If cooking was difficult, women couldn't do it" Attributed to me...


----------



## Evinrude58 (Apr 13, 2011)

It is good for you will grow hair on your chest. - My daughter when she was little said she didn't want a hairy chest.
Were you born in a barn?- I always said yes. Hospital where I was born was converted from an old horse stable.
Don't get your knickers in a knot (or twist)
You look slicker than owl ****. - When someone is dressed up


----------



## twistedcatfish1971 (Jul 21, 2013)

...can't catch em looking around on OGF!

don.


----------



## Daveo76 (Apr 14, 2004)

A fish rots from the head down.


----------



## STRONGPERSUADER (Nov 5, 2006)

I’m gonna knock you frew a loop!


----------



## STRONGPERSUADER (Nov 5, 2006)

Jeet yet/sumthin? Aka - did you eat yet/something?


----------



## STRONGPERSUADER (Nov 5, 2006)

Dead men tell no tales..


----------



## STRONGPERSUADER (Nov 5, 2006)

Is she had as many sticking out of her as she had in her, she’d look like a porcupine...


----------



## ristorap (Mar 6, 2013)

you will get something that Ajax wont take off


----------



## basser53 (May 14, 2005)

The hang'in comes after the catch'in


----------



## Daveo76 (Apr 14, 2004)

Clean your plate off or you don't go outside!


----------



## fastwater (Apr 1, 2014)

Daveo76 said:


> Clean your plate off or you don't go outside!


Take all you want... eat all you take.


----------



## Daveo76 (Apr 14, 2004)

No running through the clothes hanging on the line!


----------



## fastwater (Apr 1, 2014)

No skin off my knuckles.

Burnin the candle at both ends.

One monkey don't make the show.

Gotta pick yourself up by your bootstraps.


----------



## Daveo76 (Apr 14, 2004)

(not getting the door shut all the way )
Were you born in a barn????


----------



## ristorap (Mar 6, 2013)

wam bam thank you mam


----------

